Foxy Grandpa

On the day of the birth of Alexander the Great to Olympias and King Philip II of Macedonia, the Temple of Artemis, one of the Seven Wonders of the World, burned down. 

Philip’s army also defeated the combined forces of the Illyrians and the Paeonians on the day of A the G’s birth— AND his horse won the Olympics. And on the night of Alexander’s conception, both of his parents had “prophetic” dreams leading them to believe Alex was the son of Zeus, like an Ancient Greek Jesus.

Aristotle was Alexander’s personal tutor, and A the G grew up to become wickedly intelligent, ridiculously attractive, spoiled rotten and egocentric. His mother was a passionate, powerful woman and Alexander looked up to her. 

When A the G was around 15, the following occurred:

Philonicus the Thessalian brought to Philip a stallion ‘Bucephalus’ at an asking price of thirteen talents. So down they went into the plain to put him to the test. The verdict was that he was savage and quite unmanageable. He would let no one mount him, disregarded the voice of any of Philip’s company, and reared up to strike at one and all. Thereupon Philip was angry. He ordered the removal of teh animal as utterly wild and undisciplined. Alexander was present. 

‘What a horse they are losing’, he said. ‘They cannot handle him because they lack understanding and courage.’ Philip at first was silent. But when Alexander persisted time and again and grew impassioned, Philip said, ‘Criticize your elders, do you, on the ground that you yourself have a bit more understanding or are better able to manage a horse?’ ‘This horse at any rate,’ Alexander replied, ‘I’d manage better than anyone else would.’ ‘And if you do not manage him, what price will you pay for your rashness?’ ‘By Heaven,’ he said, ‘I shall pay you the price of the horse.’ Then Alexander ran to the horse, took the bridle-rein, and turned him round to face the sun—realizing that the horse was upset by the sight of his own shadow.

For a while Alexander ran alongside the horse and stroked him. Then, on seeing that he was full of zest and spirit, he quietly cast aside his cloak, made a flying jump, and was securely astride him. For a time he held him back, using a touch of the reins to check the bit, but without pulling or tearing his mouth, and when he saw the horse had rid himself of the fear and was eager for the race, he let him go and actually urged him on with a bolder cry and with the pressure of his leg. At first those who were with Philip were afraid for the boy’s life. But when he turned the horse in the correct manner and rode back proud and jubilant, all the others cheered, but his father, it is said, wept a little for joy (that his son was alive), kissed him when he dismounted, and said, ‘My boy, seek a kingdom to match yourself. Macedonia is not large enough to hold you.’

—Marsyas Macedon, eyewitness

Alexander the Great is known for being a huge tool, burning the entire city of Thebes to the ground while he allegedly played the flute from atop a building and watched, dying of alcohol poisoning by drinking the equivalent of an entire keg to himself, possibly engaging in homosexual relations with his mobile posse, bringing bands of hookers with him on his conquests, and killing his cousins and brothers to ensure him the Macedonian throne, but no other king could have so efficiently scored Persia and all of its territories, India, Athens, and everything else standing in the way. No conquistador before him had the patience or intelligence to draw out complicated long-term plans rather than marching out and murdering everyone in sight. He spread Buddhism from India all over Asia. He was the role model for the Roman empire and his renovation of Indian political structure led to India’s most powerful royal dynasty… all before he turned 34. He grabbed life by the balls and ran. 

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Lupin: Yeah, that too.